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Returning Home

Back home- Perth, for a conference. Staying with my sister, her husband and my niece and nephew. Husband is in tow. When we arrived back at the house, the energy hit us hard. The place was different. It seemed more jagged, worn, comfortable and colder than last time. Granted, it’s Winter, the clothes are drying on the rack inside and the air is crisp, but the feeling wasn’t seasonal. A marriage was dying, right before our very eyes. I knew my sisters marriage was in trouble. We had watched it shift and change. They went through troubles- a loss of job, their dream home having to be sold and moving into a rental. Resentment building. Losing faith in God, their belief fuelling their commitment at one stage, then pride and money got in the way. Perhaps God took it away hoping they would learn a valuable lesson, come back to Him, repentant and renewed in faith. Instead my sister’s heart got hurt and she felt bitter and betrayed and she turned to the bottle to settle the resentment ¬†and the more he tried to do better, the worse it got and then the more distant he became. Because that is how he grew up, hiding and running, hiding and running. And that is how she had grown up- sinking and desperate, lonely and angry. And they lost hope.

Sister says a divorce is on the cards, but probably not until the children grow up. That’s another 8 or so years. More time for the cycle of drinking and running and sadness and bitterness and loneliness to sink in and take hold.

Sister warned me mother might turn up unannounced. If she does, it will be a weekend of sadness.

Its funny growing up, watching people change, get older, weirder, wiser, or more separate from self. I hope I grow up better and better and better. I believe that God keeps people young. Every day I pray to be a beacon of His light as much as I don’t feel I am displaying this.

I guess the moral is, you can’t stop learning and growing. Otherwise the rut of existence takes hold and it wants to eat you alive. We must continue to challenge it daily. There does not seem to be a choice, unless one just gives up. We mustn’t give up.

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It is hard to be in my body.

For an RA survivor, being in the body is hard. It is not a pleasant experience. For example, I just took the dogs for a walk and I noticed that I was walking down the steep hill on my toes, rather than bending my knees to give myself a sturdier stance. I have just started boxing too and also noticed that I find it difficult to lower myself in the stance and bend my knees. I think I discovered the reason why. As I was walking down the hill, I made a conscious effort to bend my knees but then I heard a voice, a part, and she was in pain. It shot through my body. (Trigger Warning********) – “They said they would chop off my legs”, “I can’t move”, “It hurts to move”. I am sad that she feels this way and understand that when I move my body that way, she gets triggered and scared. Today at the very least, I can write this out and feel a little bit of her sadness.

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Facing reality

After the third warning came, I ended things with S. Today is the third day of “friend zone” or best friend zone, though much is under threat. Husband doesn’t like her and want her over at the house anymore as he thinks I change when I am around her. He doesn’t like the energy and is scared by what’s going on. Fair enough, he should be. Host is far gone when she is around as many of us are activated. We like being out and talking and chatting and being silly with her. He doesn’t exist when she is around, he is like a brute and we feel uncomfortable. We understand that he is husband in theory but this has no application for us. We would prefer to live in the city, in an apartment with her and to always be together. We cannot live our dream as we are caught in two worlds and it is very hard to be shut out again. 

Signed the dreamers. 

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Penny for my thoughts.

That’s my name, Penny. I got it from that stupid saying. I am 22. I have recently decided to get a room in the house with the little ones, but like my space. I am not a baby sitter by any means. I like to be by myself. I enjoy solitude, not too much noise. The less company the better. At the moment there is a lot of noise going on. A lot of disruption inside. Much has been activated, and no doubt will continue to do so – i think we have another 12 – 18 months of this. I usually appear in rough times. I can weather a storm – yes, I am full of cliches remember. I like to watch, observe and look. I have lived in the head for a long time, since before I can recall. I am a watcher. Yes that is my job. I just realised. I watch for danger, for signs, for things that could go wrong and then I call for help. Activate the movers. They usually come in and take over then. Things can get shut down pretty quickly if necessary. At the moment there is a lot of danger imminent. There have been two warning signs not listened to and so it is important to be on the lookout for the third, because it could be the final one before it is too late.

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Alter Prison Guard Released.

Hello my name is Driava. I have just been released from my job as a Prison Guard. I am 29 years of age and have been guarding the doors of a very large prison full of disowned parts, supposedly bad children and other wretched things. When Jesus and I opened up the prison gates, we found a lot of sick children. Also there were many dead people. Jesus brought in an army of angels, with hospital beds and tonight they are cleaning up the mess. I even saw someone hanging from the ceiling and a small child huddled over in the corner. I feel bad that I just stood out the front, smoking cigarettes, staring up at the sky. It was mainly black though and I never saw much. I just did my job. They paid me for it to begin, but I spent the money. I haven’t been paid for a long time, but I suppose I have had nothing to buy. I feel depressed that I didn’t do anything. Jesus spoke to me about forgiveness and that I could forgive myself, like He has forgiven me. I asked Patricia how long I should spend in feelings of guilt. She told me that as soon as I recognised the feeling, I should let it go. So I visualised the guilt as a square object and Jesus took it away. Some of it still lingers though, or is it sadness? Yeah, its sadness. My job now is to write, though I am struggling with self belief. I want to tell my story but I have been in the dark for so long. I used to think of stories late at night. I have not slept for 29 years. That is a long time to be awake, thinking of things. I never had a pen or paper or computer, so I was not able to write anything down. Tonight will be the first night that I sleep and I am looking forward to it. I no longer have to wear a uniform too. When I was a guard, the children used to scream out for me to help them. Their screams would pierce the air and I would shut my ears tight to muffle out the sounds. I thought they would never break me.

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Hello from Rita (trigger warning)

My name is Rita and I am four and a half. I have long brown hair. They put spiders on my chest and told me I had to eat them. They said I was bad and ugly and deserved to die. I slept in the dark for a long time and sometimes I came out at night but didn’t like too much as I got lost. H made me a room and I have a yellow bed cover and outside is sunflowers. Sometimes I don’t think i deserve it. I feel sad. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up but I would feel bad for mr michael and the dogs and my toys. I hope they all get to go to a new home. Maybe a cat would live there too and even some fish.

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How long can I tolerate this discomfort?

I told my therapist on Friday that I was having an affair with a woman. T was very supportive, allowing me to share how I was feeling, passing no judgement, merely listening. My feelings are so alive with S (said lover) and T understands this. She reminded me that we were in the Honeymoon period, which is so true and important in order to put things into perspective. I know that I am playing with fire at the moment and that I need to be as pragmatic as possible when it comes to what is going on. Being dissociative, I know what it is like to be split in my feelings towards people (and myself), but I am not sure if I can truly love two people. Thinking further, that is not entirely true. When I was with my last girlfriend, I had an affair with my now husband. The relationship with my girlfriend ended and I secretly dated now husband for a year without telling her (it was very difficult to fully close my relationship with my ex for a variety of co-dependent reasons). Whilst I was caught in this chaos, I was very confused as I did love both of them so much, it just got to the point where I had to choose. So I did, and that is where I am at now, and unbelievably engaging in the same destructive behavioural patterns as I did years ago!

The whole thing is confusing for a variety of reasons:

  • I am a married Christian woman and adultery is wrong. Simple as that.
    I genuinely thought my feelings for women were no longer there. I am unsure if falling for S (a woman) means that I am really gay or …?
  • The woman is a University Student and I work at the University, so professionally this is complicated and unprofessional.
  • There is a 14 year age gap – I am the older one. I have never been the older one. Its weird and unusual for me. These dynamics are always at play with me, but usually I am the younger companion.
  • I am actually in a happy, solid, grounded marriage with my husband and yet this sexual and mental desire is so strong with S, it is like a compulsion. Is it enough to sabotage my commitment and faith with God and my husband?

T and I talked about the relationship; what it means, what could happen – some of the stuff that I have mentioned above. I told T I felt so hypocritical in every area of my life now. I have sponsees in AA and here I am, telling them we are in an honesty program and that you have to speak your truth, and then I am engaging in a secret affair. It makes me feel like I am just a liar and that everything I think and feel is therefore invalid. To top it off, I went to Church today and there was an amazing sermon about….. you guessed it… Marriage! The pastor spoke about commitment, faith and trust in God, making promises and honouring God. Of course, I am doing none of that I know.

My T left me to ponder a question on Friday, which was that that outcome of this affair is really dependent on how long I can sit with the discomfort that it creates inside me.

I know that humans are fallible and so as much as I am being swept away by the desire, romance and feelings, the truth is, things will change, people change. But God doesn’t – the pastor read out a passage in the bible today about how God disowns us, when we disown him, but He remains faithful in His love to us, until such time when we are ready to come back to Him. What is my choice here? Put my faith / love in a person in an uncommitted relationship, not sanctioned by the covenant of God, or choose God as the Head of all my relationships. And to choose God, means to reject sin at all costs. Despite the power of the temptation.