Hello my name is Driava. I have just been released from my job as a Prison Guard. I am 29 years of age and have been guarding the doors of a very large prison full of disowned parts, supposedly bad children and other wretched things. When Jesus and I opened up the prison gates, we found a lot of sick children. Also there were many dead people. Jesus brought in an army of angels, with hospital beds and tonight they are cleaning up the mess. I even saw someone hanging from the ceiling and a small child huddled over in the corner. I feel bad that I just stood out the front, smoking cigarettes, staring up at the sky. It was mainly black though and I never saw much. I just did my job. They paid me for it to begin, but I spent the money. I haven’t been paid for a long time, but I suppose I have had nothing to buy. I feel depressed that I didn’t do anything. Jesus spoke to me about forgiveness and that I could forgive myself, like He has forgiven me. I asked Patricia how long I should spend in feelings of guilt. She told me that as soon as I recognised the feeling, I should let it go. So I visualised the guilt as a square object and Jesus took it away. Some of it still lingers though, or is it sadness? Yeah, its sadness. My job now is to write, though I am struggling with self belief. I want to tell my story but I have been in the dark for so long. I used to think of stories late at night. I have not slept for 29 years. That is a long time to be awake, thinking of things. I never had a pen or paper or computer, so I was not able to write anything down. Tonight will be the first night that I sleep and I am looking forward to it. I no longer have to wear a uniform too. When I was a guard, the children used to scream out for me to help them. Their screams would pierce the air and I would shut my ears tight to muffle out the sounds. I thought they would never break me.
My name is Rita and I am four and a half. I have long brown hair. They put spiders on my chest and told me I had to eat them. They said I was bad and ugly and deserved to die. I slept in the dark for a long time and sometimes I came out at night but didn’t like too much as I got lost. H made me a room and I have a yellow bed cover and outside is sunflowers. Sometimes I don’t think i deserve it. I feel sad. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up but I would feel bad for mr michael and the dogs and my toys. I hope they all get to go to a new home. Maybe a cat would live there too and even some fish.
I told my therapist on Friday that I was having an affair with a woman. T was very supportive, allowing me to share how I was feeling, passing no judgement, merely listening. My feelings are so alive with S (said lover) and T understands this. She reminded me that we were in the Honeymoon period, which is so true and important in order to put things into perspective. I know that I am playing with fire at the moment and that I need to be as pragmatic as possible when it comes to what is going on. Being dissociative, I know what it is like to be split in my feelings towards people (and myself), but I am not sure if I can truly love two people. Thinking further, that is not entirely true. When I was with my last girlfriend, I had an affair with my now husband. The relationship with my girlfriend ended and I secretly dated now husband for a year without telling her (it was very difficult to fully close my relationship with my ex for a variety of co-dependent reasons). Whilst I was caught in this chaos, I was very confused as I did love both of them so much, it just got to the point where I had to choose. So I did, and that is where I am at now, and unbelievably engaging in the same destructive behavioural patterns as I did years ago!
The whole thing is confusing for a variety of reasons:
- I am a married Christian woman and adultery is wrong. Simple as that.
I genuinely thought my feelings for women were no longer there. I am unsure if falling for S (a woman) means that I am really gay or …?
- The woman is a University Student and I work at the University, so professionally this is complicated and unprofessional.
- There is a 14 year age gap – I am the older one. I have never been the older one. Its weird and unusual for me. These dynamics are always at play with me, but usually I am the younger companion.
- I am actually in a happy, solid, grounded marriage with my husband and yet this sexual and mental desire is so strong with S, it is like a compulsion. Is it enough to sabotage my commitment and faith with God and my husband?
T and I talked about the relationship; what it means, what could happen – some of the stuff that I have mentioned above. I told T I felt so hypocritical in every area of my life now. I have sponsees in AA and here I am, telling them we are in an honesty program and that you have to speak your truth, and then I am engaging in a secret affair. It makes me feel like I am just a liar and that everything I think and feel is therefore invalid. To top it off, I went to Church today and there was an amazing sermon about….. you guessed it… Marriage! The pastor spoke about commitment, faith and trust in God, making promises and honouring God. Of course, I am doing none of that I know.
My T left me to ponder a question on Friday, which was that that outcome of this affair is really dependent on how long I can sit with the discomfort that it creates inside me.
I know that humans are fallible and so as much as I am being swept away by the desire, romance and feelings, the truth is, things will change, people change. But God doesn’t – the pastor read out a passage in the bible today about how God disowns us, when we disown him, but He remains faithful in His love to us, until such time when we are ready to come back to Him. What is my choice here? Put my faith / love in a person in an uncommitted relationship, not sanctioned by the covenant of God, or choose God as the Head of all my relationships. And to choose God, means to reject sin at all costs. Despite the power of the temptation.
I am crushing deep on a girl. It makes me feel like I am in 10th grade. She is long and delicate and her eyes are dark, so dark, they are dangerous. I could fall into them and not find my way out. I am thrust into fantasy land, straddling two worlds, not sure whose out, what’s in. When she talks, I get excited. I could watch her for hours. I have not felt so awestruck before. The desire, the compulsion running far deeper than carnal wishes. I never thought I would be in this situation. I am magnetised by her. The dissociation can kick into action at any time though. I can just as easily feel dead inside and nothing. It is these splits that confuse me. I have always been the young one in relationships and now I am the old one. It is strange. It must mean I am finally growing up. Will she look at me one day in the same way I have looked at my ageing partners? Sensing they will go before me. Of course it could happen to me at anytime, but presuming things just pan out the way they are “supposed to”, Will she feel the same way? Will she get bored of me the way I have gotten bored of my older lovers at times? I ran into their arms for safety and protection and wisdom and security. When I got what I needed, I ran off. Into the arms of another older, more secure, more wiser one who could handle me, who needed my youthful recklessness to inspire them, to give them a new burst of energy. Essentially I used. Will she use me? Like I used others? I didn’t know I was doing it at the time. Maybe she doesn’t know too. Her actions are unconscious surely. She was abused like me. We have attracted each other. Our energies sought each other out. Why? It’s absolutely ridiculous the whole thing. Crushing on a girl?! Haha, I must be so split. I am a respectable, married Christian women says one part of me. I want to run away with this girl cries another part. I am an artist who wants to make and do and make and do. Being close to her feels completely and utterly normal and right and like the best natural drug in the world and I want more and more and more but I am not allowed.
I have met someone who is opening up my heart. They are making me feel vulnerable and for the first time I am not running or freaking out… too much. Granted there is a big massive wall up (called being married), but besides that I am completely and utterly head over heels. Is this me? Who is this? Tonight I laughed at animals on television. My heart leaped and jumped for joy as I watched all these furry beasts and creatures fight for survival. Some just sat with each other and loved. Oh how I could not love in the past. How I was so scared. Patricia said that it would have been hard for me to watch animal videos in the past. Protection. She is right. Many have been killed in front of me, many bad things have happened that I have seen. No wonder my heart was so cold. I can have compassion for myself. And I have met a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and her eyes just shout “I’m alive”, “I love you” and “I want to learn” and it is so amazing to watch. She is amazing to watch and listen to and she is incredibly insightful and wise for someone so young and she reminds me of me, without the craziness and insecurity. She’s insecure but it’s healthy. It’s a smart insecure if there is such a thing. And she makes me want to care when she gets all weird and vulnerable and I used to run from that shit. It was deeply unattractive to me and for some strange reason I am not repulsed in the slightest. I actually want to give her a hug and tell her everything is going to be okay. And I am gobsmacked this is coming from me. So is it me and if it’s not does it matter because it must be a part of me and it’s a good part so hopefully it stays and grows bigger. Like my feelings for her.
So as you know Grace came out recently due to being absolutely beguiled by this beautiful young female student. Well I don’t know whether this is me or Grace has taken over for a while. But anyway we/ I kissed her. Today. Completely and utterly inappropriate and I could probably lose my job if anyone found out. But it’s done and it was amazing and sexy and nerve wracking. I have not engaged in this behaviour for over five years. I genuinely thought this type of “acting out” was behind me. Secret affairs, passionate lust. It is so strange to do this sober, to do this with knowledge of my D.I.D. To do this as a Christian host and system is even weirder. I feel so hypocritical as I pray and connect to God daily. I feel ashamed – am I acting out internal shame? Probably. I know it’s wrong, but just for the moment, I don’t want to stop it. I would hate to hurt her or my husband or my parts. I take full responsibility. I have spent a few weeks fantasising about her and engaging in emails and recently texts. I can certainly say that she opened up dialogue with me and perhaps came across as a very eager communicator (someone who wanted to talk, share with me). So I suggested a coffee to chat and she told me a few deep things but I really didn’t think she was interested and so that made me feel relieved. I could put it away. The thing was, I offered to look after her dog… it was a gesture, i didn’t think she would take me up on it, but she did and then a few days later she came around and dropped the doggie off. And we walked in the park in the rain and chatted and it was really fun and she is very engaging and interesting and witty and stupid and then she left her doggie with me. And that night I told her on text that I had a girl crush on her (see, I provoked it). And then the text flirting began. And today we kissed. And tomorrow who knows. And now I am having an affair. Just like that. Something I never ever thought I would do, with a student (university), with a woman, at work, at all. Full stop. Far out. This is going to get very interesting….
Being a ritual abuse survivor sometimes really sucks. Firstly, it is like I attract trouble – namely with members of the opposite / same sex. Its like I have an unconscious sign on my forehead saying “flirt with me”, “like me”, “desire to have sex with me”. I do believe that as abused people, we exude an energy that can attract demonic forces. I mean the portals were opened when we were kids, so we can become like magnets. I am not saying by any means that an RA survivor deserves any abuse, or wills it to happen in any way, but I think we are more susceptible to things happening to us or around us, and so have to be ultra vigilant. The problem is, the host is married and we just seem to find ourselves in situations where flirtation arises or there are chemical feelings. These people could be RA survivors themselves or most likely have been sexually abused. We tend to attract each other. Husband gets jealous (naturally), and as our host is Christian (and 76% system is too) it conflicts with our spiritual beliefs and desires (to be like and of God). For example, I just went for a run earlier and a guy was checking me out. It always surprises me when this happens, because I have had an inner belief for a long time that I am ugly and unattractive, yet there is this great longing to be desired and found attractive – validated. I have no idea whether I am or am not attractive/ unattractive. In contrast to the ‘beauty’ images we are force fed in mainstream media, I don’t think I fit this bill. I am certainly not a ‘pretty girl’, sometimes I don’t even feel like a woman. Ha, ha, the description of me sounds so bizarre, who knows what the reader is imagining. But I think I felt so worthless for so long, that I don’t know what is true anymore – or if I ever knew. My self image has definitely improved and I don’t hate myself as much as I did many years ago. I don’t sit in shame and self loathing near as much as I used to. I understand when these feelings arrive nowadays that they are emotional memory. But the point is, there is still a huge part or parts of me that unconsciously desire to be wanted, sexualised, attractive in men and women’s eyes. It is about power and prestige. And that is what can get me into trouble. Because some people can pick that up, demons certainly do and like to exploit it. And I wonder when it will stop – of course, I know the more I get healed and integrated and die to self, the less these things will become an issue. Probably the older I get the less it will happen too. I wonder what age it is that as a woman you stop being desired by others – 45? Also, sometimes when I argue with my husband, it is like my brain shuts down. I get so, so tired and just want to go to sleep. I can’t communicate and shut down internally. I have to wait some time until it passes. It is a feeling of complete heaviness and as though I am dead inside. The ‘me’ who I think I know is gone and I just switch into operation mode – whatever that is. Sleep sometimes helps to bring me back to normal self, sometimes I just have to wait it out.
Oh, Easter is a crappy time of year too as most RA survivors can relate to. I realised the other day it is a highly sexualised time of year for me – likely linked to my abuse and the rituals that went on. Tomorrow it will be over and that is probably when I will come out of this funk. For now, I just have to keep myself distracted and busy and it will pass as it always does. Just can’t get stuck in it. Thanks for listening. (Tina).