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Unexpected Arrival

Last night in bed my parts came out and didn’t know where they were. Most had taken over by then so it was difficult for me to do much other than just lie there and listen to the chatter in my head. I woke up and hubby was a bit grumpy and I didn’t need much to set me off. I was feeling quite dissociative all morning and day and my niece was really dismissive of me. She really ignored me and it hurt my feelings so much. Maybe it was a moody 14 year old teenager thing, but wow, it made me feel terrible! When I am dissociative I can pretty much just focus and get on with work which is a good thing. So that’s what I did all day on my computer, but then about 3:00 pm, there was a knock on the door. It was my mother. I hadn’t seen her for over two years, nor had any contact with her, via my own volition. I had written a letter long ago saying I needed to cut contact whilst I was healing and doing memory work. My sister had warned me she might turn up but I had forgotten and today caught me by surprise. It didn’t help that I was in parts all of the day. So it was awkward and I was amicable and said I was well and spoke of why I was in Perth (presenting at a conference) and of my new job. I asked about her health (she is fine), I didn’t ask about my father. Then my sister came home and played the niceties, but she cannot stand being in the same room as my mother, so when my sister asked mum a question, she basically left the room briefly whilst my mother waffled the answer into empty space, not looking at her, not even noticing she was gone. It was weird. And then my sister hurried us as we had to go to a gym class and my husband made my mum a cup of tea and I knew she would enjoy talking to him as he is very warm and responsive and carefree. He told me later that she said “I know nobody wants to see me, but I don’t care, I want to see them”. I think she was genuinely glad that I looked okay and perhaps a little surprised that I did look healthy and fine. I went to the gym but just felt depressed and sad and bad – as though I shouldn’t have cut off the relationship as it was mean and as though I am probably making everything up as she looks normal- kinda (my parts thought she looked like a witch) – and that I am a bitch and horrible person. Anyway, I am at the airport now and will be back home soon and I get to see my dogs and I cannot wait. I love them so much and I like the life I have set up. Perth has beautiful weather but I don’t think I could ever come back here and live. There is just too much sadness.

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