Last night in bed my parts came out and didn’t know where they were. Most had taken over by then so it was difficult for me to do much other than just lie there and listen to the chatter in my head. I woke up and hubby was a bit grumpy and I didn’t need much to set me off. I was feeling quite dissociative all morning and day and my niece was really dismissive of me. She really ignored me and it hurt my feelings so much. Maybe it was a moody 14 year old teenager thing, but wow, it made me feel terrible! When I am dissociative I can pretty much just focus and get on with work which is a good thing. So that’s what I did all day on my computer, but then about 3:00 pm, there was a knock on the door. It was my mother. I hadn’t seen her for over two years, nor had any contact with her, via my own volition. I had written a letter long ago saying I needed to cut contact whilst I was healing and doing memory work. My sister had warned me she might turn up but I had forgotten and today caught me by surprise. It didn’t help that I was in parts all of the day. So it was awkward and I was amicable and said I was well and spoke of why I was in Perth (presenting at a conference) and of my new job. I asked about her health (she is fine), I didn’t ask about my father. Then my sister came home and played the niceties, but she cannot stand being in the same room as my mother, so when my sister asked mum a question, she basically left the room briefly whilst my mother waffled the answer into empty space, not looking at her, not even noticing she was gone. It was weird. And then my sister hurried us as we had to go to a gym class and my husband made my mum a cup of tea and I knew she would enjoy talking to him as he is very warm and responsive and carefree. He told me later that she said “I know nobody wants to see me, but I don’t care, I want to see them”. I think she was genuinely glad that I looked okay and perhaps a little surprised that I did look healthy and fine. I went to the gym but just felt depressed and sad and bad – as though I shouldn’t have cut off the relationship as it was mean and as though I am probably making everything up as she looks normal- kinda (my parts thought she looked like a witch) – and that I am a bitch and horrible person. Anyway, I am at the airport now and will be back home soon and I get to see my dogs and I cannot wait. I love them so much and I like the life I have set up. Perth has beautiful weather but I don’t think I could ever come back here and live. There is just too much sadness.
Back home- Perth, for a conference. Staying with my sister, her husband and my niece and nephew. Husband is in tow. When we arrived back at the house, the energy hit us hard. The place was different. It seemed more jagged, worn, comfortable and colder than last time. Granted, it’s Winter, the clothes are drying on the rack inside and the air is crisp, but the feeling wasn’t seasonal. A marriage was dying, right before our very eyes. I knew my sisters marriage was in trouble. We had watched it shift and change. They went through troubles- a loss of job, their dream home having to be sold and moving into a rental. Resentment building. Losing faith in God, their belief fuelling their commitment at one stage, then pride and money got in the way. Perhaps God took it away hoping they would learn a valuable lesson, come back to Him, repentant and renewed in faith. Instead my sister’s heart got hurt and she felt bitter and betrayed and she turned to the bottle to settle the resentment and the more he tried to do better, the worse it got and then the more distant he became. Because that is how he grew up, hiding and running, hiding and running. And that is how she had grown up- sinking and desperate, lonely and angry. And they lost hope.
Sister says a divorce is on the cards, but probably not until the children grow up. That’s another 8 or so years. More time for the cycle of drinking and running and sadness and bitterness and loneliness to sink in and take hold.
Sister warned me mother might turn up unannounced. If she does, it will be a weekend of sadness.
Its funny growing up, watching people change, get older, weirder, wiser, or more separate from self. I hope I grow up better and better and better. I believe that God keeps people young. Every day I pray to be a beacon of His light as much as I don’t feel I am displaying this.
I guess the moral is, you can’t stop learning and growing. Otherwise the rut of existence takes hold and it wants to eat you alive. We must continue to challenge it daily. There does not seem to be a choice, unless one just gives up. We mustn’t give up.
For an RA survivor, being in the body is hard. It is not a pleasant experience. For example, I just took the dogs for a walk and I noticed that I was walking down the steep hill on my toes, rather than bending my knees to give myself a sturdier stance. I have just started boxing too and also noticed that I find it difficult to lower myself in the stance and bend my knees. I think I discovered the reason why. As I was walking down the hill, I made a conscious effort to bend my knees but then I heard a voice, a part, and she was in pain. It shot through my body. (Trigger Warning********) – “They said they would chop off my legs”, “I can’t move”, “It hurts to move”. I am sad that she feels this way and understand that when I move my body that way, she gets triggered and scared. Today at the very least, I can write this out and feel a little bit of her sadness.