I told my therapist on Friday that I was having an affair with a woman. T was very supportive, allowing me to share how I was feeling, passing no judgement, merely listening. My feelings are so alive with S (said lover) and T understands this. She reminded me that we were in the Honeymoon period, which is so true and important in order to put things into perspective. I know that I am playing with fire at the moment and that I need to be as pragmatic as possible when it comes to what is going on. Being dissociative, I know what it is like to be split in my feelings towards people (and myself), but I am not sure if I can truly love two people. Thinking further, that is not entirely true. When I was with my last girlfriend, I had an affair with my now husband. The relationship with my girlfriend ended and I secretly dated now husband for a year without telling her (it was very difficult to fully close my relationship with my ex for a variety of co-dependent reasons). Whilst I was caught in this chaos, I was very confused as I did love both of them so much, it just got to the point where I had to choose. So I did, and that is where I am at now, and unbelievably engaging in the same destructive behavioural patterns as I did years ago!
The whole thing is confusing for a variety of reasons:
- I am a married Christian woman and adultery is wrong. Simple as that.
I genuinely thought my feelings for women were no longer there. I am unsure if falling for S (a woman) means that I am really gay or …?
- The woman is a University Student and I work at the University, so professionally this is complicated and unprofessional.
- There is a 14 year age gap – I am the older one. I have never been the older one. Its weird and unusual for me. These dynamics are always at play with me, but usually I am the younger companion.
- I am actually in a happy, solid, grounded marriage with my husband and yet this sexual and mental desire is so strong with S, it is like a compulsion. Is it enough to sabotage my commitment and faith with God and my husband?
T and I talked about the relationship; what it means, what could happen – some of the stuff that I have mentioned above. I told T I felt so hypocritical in every area of my life now. I have sponsees in AA and here I am, telling them we are in an honesty program and that you have to speak your truth, and then I am engaging in a secret affair. It makes me feel like I am just a liar and that everything I think and feel is therefore invalid. To top it off, I went to Church today and there was an amazing sermon about….. you guessed it… Marriage! The pastor spoke about commitment, faith and trust in God, making promises and honouring God. Of course, I am doing none of that I know.
My T left me to ponder a question on Friday, which was that that outcome of this affair is really dependent on how long I can sit with the discomfort that it creates inside me.
I know that humans are fallible and so as much as I am being swept away by the desire, romance and feelings, the truth is, things will change, people change. But God doesn’t – the pastor read out a passage in the bible today about how God disowns us, when we disown him, but He remains faithful in His love to us, until such time when we are ready to come back to Him. What is my choice here? Put my faith / love in a person in an uncommitted relationship, not sanctioned by the covenant of God, or choose God as the Head of all my relationships. And to choose God, means to reject sin at all costs. Despite the power of the temptation.