I have met someone who is opening up my heart. They are making me feel vulnerable and for the first time I am not running or freaking out… too much. Granted there is a big massive wall up (called being married), but besides that I am completely and utterly head over heels. Is this me? Who is this? Tonight I laughed at animals on television. My heart leaped and jumped for joy as I watched all these furry beasts and creatures fight for survival. Some just sat with each other and loved. Oh how I could not love in the past. How I was so scared. Patricia said that it would have been hard for me to watch animal videos in the past. Protection. She is right. Many have been killed in front of me, many bad things have happened that I have seen. No wonder my heart was so cold. I can have compassion for myself. And I have met a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and her eyes just shout “I’m alive”, “I love you” and “I want to learn” and it is so amazing to watch. She is amazing to watch and listen to and she is incredibly insightful and wise for someone so young and she reminds me of me, without the craziness and insecurity. She’s insecure but it’s healthy. It’s a smart insecure if there is such a thing. And she makes me want to care when she gets all weird and vulnerable and I used to run from that shit. It was deeply unattractive to me and for some strange reason I am not repulsed in the slightest. I actually want to give her a hug and tell her everything is going to be okay. And I am gobsmacked this is coming from me. So is it me and if it’s not does it matter because it must be a part of me and it’s a good part so hopefully it stays and grows bigger. Like my feelings for her.


2 thoughts on “Ramblings

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