Ramblings 2

I am crushing deep on a girl. It makes me feel like I am in 10th grade. She is long and delicate and her eyes are dark, so dark, they are dangerous. I could fall into them and not find my way out. I am thrust into fantasy land, straddling two worlds, not sure whose out, what’s in. When she talks, I get excited. I could watch her for hours. I have not felt so awestruck before. The desire, the compulsion running far deeper than carnal wishes. I never thought I would be in this situation. I am magnetised by her. The dissociation can kick into action at any time though. I can just as easily feel dead inside and nothing. It is these splits that confuse me. I have always been the young one in relationships and now I am the old one. It is strange. It must mean I am finally growing up. Will she look at me one day in the same way I have looked at my ageing partners? Sensing they will go before me. Of course it could happen to me at anytime, but presuming things just pan out the way they are “supposed to”, Will she feel the same way? Will she get bored of me the way I have gotten bored of my older lovers at times? I ran into their arms for safety and protection and wisdom and security.  When I got what I needed, I ran off. Into the arms of another older, more secure, more wiser one who could handle me, who needed my youthful recklessness to inspire them, to give them a new burst of energy. Essentially I used. Will she use me? Like I used others? I didn’t know I was doing it at the time. Maybe she doesn’t know too. Her actions are unconscious surely. She was abused like me. We have attracted each other. Our energies sought each other out. Why? It’s absolutely ridiculous the whole thing. Crushing on a girl?! Haha, I must be so split. I am a respectable, married Christian women says one part of me. I want to run away with this girl cries another part. I am an artist who wants to make and do and make and do. Being close to her feels completely and utterly normal and right and like the best natural drug in the world and I want more and more and more but I am not allowed.


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