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Hello from Rita (trigger warning)

My name is Rita and I am four and a half. I have long brown hair. They put spiders on my chest and told me I had to eat them. They said I was bad and ugly and deserved to die. I slept in the dark for a long time and sometimes I came out at night but didn’t like too much as I got lost. H made me a room and I have a yellow bed cover and outside is sunflowers. Sometimes I don’t think i deserve it. I feel sad. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up but I would feel bad for mr michael and the dogs and my toys. I hope they all get to go to a new home. Maybe a cat would live there too and even some fish.

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How long can I tolerate this discomfort?

I told my therapist on Friday that I was having an affair with a woman. T was very supportive, allowing me to share how I was feeling, passing no judgement, merely listening. My feelings are so alive with S (said lover) and T understands this. She reminded me that we were in the Honeymoon period, which is so true and important in order to put things into perspective. I know that I am playing with fire at the moment and that I need to be as pragmatic as possible when it comes to what is going on. Being dissociative, I know what it is like to be split in my feelings towards people (and myself), but I am not sure if I can truly love two people. Thinking further, that is not entirely true. When I was with my last girlfriend, I had an affair with my now husband. The relationship with my girlfriend ended and I secretly dated now husband for a year without telling her (it was very difficult to fully close my relationship with my ex for a variety of co-dependent reasons). Whilst I was caught in this chaos, I was very confused as I did love both of them so much, it just got to the point where I had to choose. So I did, and that is where I am at now, and unbelievably engaging in the same destructive behavioural patterns as I did years ago!

The whole thing is confusing for a variety of reasons:

  • I am a married Christian woman and adultery is wrong. Simple as that.
    I genuinely thought my feelings for women were no longer there. I am unsure if falling for S (a woman) means that I am really gay or …?
  • The woman is a University Student and I work at the University, so professionally this is complicated and unprofessional.
  • There is a 14 year age gap – I am the older one. I have never been the older one. Its weird and unusual for me. These dynamics are always at play with me, but usually I am the younger companion.
  • I am actually in a happy, solid, grounded marriage with my husband and yet this sexual and mental desire is so strong with S, it is like a compulsion. Is it enough to sabotage my commitment and faith with God and my husband?

T and I talked about the relationship; what it means, what could happen – some of the stuff that I have mentioned above. I told T I felt so hypocritical in every area of my life now. I have sponsees in AA and here I am, telling them we are in an honesty program and that you have to speak your truth, and then I am engaging in a secret affair. It makes me feel like I am just a liar and that everything I think and feel is therefore invalid. To top it off, I went to Church today and there was an amazing sermon about….. you guessed it… Marriage! The pastor spoke about commitment, faith and trust in God, making promises and honouring God. Of course, I am doing none of that I know.

My T left me to ponder a question on Friday, which was that that outcome of this affair is really dependent on how long I can sit with the discomfort that it creates inside me.

I know that humans are fallible and so as much as I am being swept away by the desire, romance and feelings, the truth is, things will change, people change. But God doesn’t – the pastor read out a passage in the bible today about how God disowns us, when we disown him, but He remains faithful in His love to us, until such time when we are ready to come back to Him. What is my choice here? Put my faith / love in a person in an uncommitted relationship, not sanctioned by the covenant of God, or choose God as the Head of all my relationships. And to choose God, means to reject sin at all costs. Despite the power of the temptation.

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Ramblings 2

I am crushing deep on a girl. It makes me feel like I am in 10th grade. She is long and delicate and her eyes are dark, so dark, they are dangerous. I could fall into them and not find my way out. I am thrust into fantasy land, straddling two worlds, not sure whose out, what’s in. When she talks, I get excited. I could watch her for hours. I have not felt so awestruck before. The desire, the compulsion running far deeper than carnal wishes. I never thought I would be in this situation. I am magnetised by her. The dissociation can kick into action at any time though. I can just as easily feel dead inside and nothing. It is these splits that confuse me. I have always been the young one in relationships and now I am the old one. It is strange. It must mean I am finally growing up. Will she look at me one day in the same way I have looked at my ageing partners? Sensing they will go before me. Of course it could happen to me at anytime, but presuming things just pan out the way they are “supposed to”, Will she feel the same way? Will she get bored of me the way I have gotten bored of my older lovers at times? I ran into their arms for safety and protection and wisdom and security. ¬†When I got what I needed, I ran off. Into the arms of another older, more secure, more wiser one who could handle me, who needed my youthful recklessness to inspire them, to give them a new burst of energy. Essentially I used. Will she use me? Like I used others? I didn’t know I was doing it at the time. Maybe she doesn’t know too. Her actions are unconscious surely. She was abused like me. We have attracted each other. Our energies sought each other out. Why? It’s absolutely ridiculous the whole thing. Crushing on a girl?! Haha, I must be so split. I am a respectable, married Christian women says one part of me. I want to run away with this girl cries another part. I am an artist who wants to make and do and make and do. Being close to her feels completely and utterly normal and right and like the best natural drug in the world and I want more and more and more but I am not allowed.

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Ramblings

I have met someone who is opening up my heart. They are making me feel vulnerable and for the first time I am not running or freaking out… too much. Granted there is a big massive wall up (called being married), but besides that I am completely and utterly head over heels. Is this me? Who is this? Tonight I laughed at animals on television. My heart leaped and jumped for joy as I watched all these furry beasts and creatures fight for survival. Some just sat with each other and loved. Oh how I could not love in the past. How I was so scared. Patricia said that it would have been hard for me to watch animal videos in the past. Protection. She is right. Many have been killed in front of me, many bad things have happened that I have seen. No wonder my heart was so cold. I can have compassion for myself. And I have met a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and her eyes just shout “I’m alive”, “I love you” and “I want to learn” and it is so amazing to watch. She is amazing to watch and listen to and she is incredibly insightful and wise for someone so young and she reminds me of me, without the craziness and insecurity. She’s insecure but it’s healthy. It’s a smart insecure if there is such a thing. And she makes me want to care when she gets all weird and vulnerable and I used to run from that shit. It was deeply unattractive to me and for some strange reason I am not repulsed in the slightest. I actually want to give her a hug and tell her everything is going to be okay. And I am gobsmacked this is coming from me. So is it me and if it’s not does it matter because it must be a part of me and it’s a good part so hopefully it stays and grows bigger. Like my feelings for her.