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Secret beginnings 

So as you know Grace came out recently due to being absolutely beguiled by this beautiful young female student. Well I don’t know whether this is me or Grace has taken over for a while. But anyway we/ I kissed her. Today. Completely and utterly inappropriate and I could probably lose my job if anyone found out. But it’s done and it was amazing and sexy and nerve wracking. I have not engaged in this behaviour for over five years. I genuinely thought this type of “acting out” was behind me. Secret affairs, passionate lust. It is so strange to do this sober, to do this with knowledge of my D.I.D. To do this as a Christian host and system is even weirder. I feel so hypocritical as I pray and connect to God daily. I feel ashamed – am I acting out internal shame? Probably. I know it’s wrong, but just for the moment, I don’t want to stop it. I would hate to hurt her or my husband or my parts. I take full responsibility. I have spent a few weeks fantasising about her and engaging in emails and recently texts. I can certainly say that she opened up dialogue with me and perhaps came across as a very eager communicator (someone who wanted to talk, share with me). So I suggested a coffee to chat and she told me a few deep things but I really didn’t think she was interested and so that made me feel relieved. I could put it away. The thing was, I offered to look after her dog… it was a gesture, i didn’t think she would take me up on it, but she did and then a few days later she came around and dropped the doggie off. And we walked in the park in the rain and chatted and it was really fun and she is very engaging and interesting and witty and stupid and then she left her doggie with me. And that night I told her on text that I had a girl crush on her (see, I provoked it). And then the text flirting began. And today we kissed. And tomorrow who knows. And now I am having an affair. Just like that. Something I never ever thought I would do, with a student (university), with a woman, at work, at all. Full stop. Far out. This is going to get very interesting…. 

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