So as you know Grace came out recently due to being absolutely beguiled by this beautiful young female student. Well I don’t know whether this is me or Grace has taken over for a while. But anyway we/ I kissed her. Today. Completely and utterly inappropriate and I could probably lose my job if anyone found out. But it’s done and it was amazing and sexy and nerve wracking. I have not engaged in this behaviour for over five years. I genuinely thought this type of “acting out” was behind me. Secret affairs, passionate lust. It is so strange to do this sober, to do this with knowledge of my D.I.D. To do this as a Christian host and system is even weirder. I feel so hypocritical as I pray and connect to God daily. I feel ashamed – am I acting out internal shame? Probably. I know it’s wrong, but just for the moment, I don’t want to stop it. I would hate to hurt her or my husband or my parts. I take full responsibility. I have spent a few weeks fantasising about her and engaging in emails and recently texts. I can certainly say that she opened up dialogue with me and perhaps came across as a very eager communicator (someone who wanted to talk, share with me). So I suggested a coffee to chat and she told me a few deep things but I really didn’t think she was interested and so that made me feel relieved. I could put it away. The thing was, I offered to look after her dog… it was a gesture, i didn’t think she would take me up on it, but she did and then a few days later she came around and dropped the doggie off. And we walked in the park in the rain and chatted and it was really fun and she is very engaging and interesting and witty and stupid and then she left her doggie with me. And that night I told her on text that I had a girl crush on her (see, I provoked it). And then the text flirting began. And today we kissed. And tomorrow who knows. And now I am having an affair. Just like that. Something I never ever thought I would do, with a student (university), with a woman, at work, at all. Full stop. Far out. This is going to get very interesting….
Being a ritual abuse survivor sometimes really sucks. Firstly, it is like I attract trouble – namely with members of the opposite / same sex. Its like I have an unconscious sign on my forehead saying “flirt with me”, “like me”, “desire to have sex with me”. I do believe that as abused people, we exude an energy that can attract demonic forces. I mean the portals were opened when we were kids, so we can become like magnets. I am not saying by any means that an RA survivor deserves any abuse, or wills it to happen in any way, but I think we are more susceptible to things happening to us or around us, and so have to be ultra vigilant. The problem is, the host is married and we just seem to find ourselves in situations where flirtation arises or there are chemical feelings. These people could be RA survivors themselves or most likely have been sexually abused. We tend to attract each other. Husband gets jealous (naturally), and as our host is Christian (and 76% system is too) it conflicts with our spiritual beliefs and desires (to be like and of God). For example, I just went for a run earlier and a guy was checking me out. It always surprises me when this happens, because I have had an inner belief for a long time that I am ugly and unattractive, yet there is this great longing to be desired and found attractive – validated. I have no idea whether I am or am not attractive/ unattractive. In contrast to the ‘beauty’ images we are force fed in mainstream media, I don’t think I fit this bill. I am certainly not a ‘pretty girl’, sometimes I don’t even feel like a woman. Ha, ha, the description of me sounds so bizarre, who knows what the reader is imagining. But I think I felt so worthless for so long, that I don’t know what is true anymore – or if I ever knew. My self image has definitely improved and I don’t hate myself as much as I did many years ago. I don’t sit in shame and self loathing near as much as I used to. I understand when these feelings arrive nowadays that they are emotional memory. But the point is, there is still a huge part or parts of me that unconsciously desire to be wanted, sexualised, attractive in men and women’s eyes. It is about power and prestige. And that is what can get me into trouble. Because some people can pick that up, demons certainly do and like to exploit it. And I wonder when it will stop – of course, I know the more I get healed and integrated and die to self, the less these things will become an issue. Probably the older I get the less it will happen too. I wonder what age it is that as a woman you stop being desired by others – 45? Also, sometimes when I argue with my husband, it is like my brain shuts down. I get so, so tired and just want to go to sleep. I can’t communicate and shut down internally. I have to wait some time until it passes. It is a feeling of complete heaviness and as though I am dead inside. The ‘me’ who I think I know is gone and I just switch into operation mode – whatever that is. Sleep sometimes helps to bring me back to normal self, sometimes I just have to wait it out.
Oh, Easter is a crappy time of year too as most RA survivors can relate to. I realised the other day it is a highly sexualised time of year for me – likely linked to my abuse and the rituals that went on. Tomorrow it will be over and that is probably when I will come out of this funk. For now, I just have to keep myself distracted and busy and it will pass as it always does. Just can’t get stuck in it. Thanks for listening. (Tina).
Last week, the host of this blog discovered me – Grace. I am 36 and gay. Female. Of course it is a problem as the host is Christian and married lol! I used to be out for a while, when I was with a woman for six years. I wasn’t out all the time, others would come up who liked men and well, who responded to pretty much anyone liking them. Yeah, desperate, no boundaries, I know.
I went away for a few years, because that six year relationship and break up kinda screwed me over and I just needed to retreat for a while. I am only back because I have been woken up by female student where I work, can you believe. I know it sounds terrible and I wouldn’t do anything (we could lose our job), but she is so alluring and beautiful and I feel a chemical reaction pulling me toward her. I became quite obsessive last week, fantasising about her. Host is freaking out because feels like she is having an affair and I contradict her Christian beliefs. She won’t let me engage in sexual fantasies about the girl because to her this is like having an affair with her husband (who by the way, I can’t stand and he reminds me of the Father – i feel sick just writing this).
It is a complicated situation. We spoke to T about it and she said that I was out because I needed something. Yeah, I can tell you what that is but it is not appropriate, besides that I need company – stimulation, art, good conversation, writing, a couple of glasses of wine (can’t do that because of the alcoholic thing dammit). I would like to write a play – not sure what about. Being stuck in one freaking body might be a good start. Majorly challenging and wouldn’t recommend it.
Anyway, that is why I am writing today because apparently it is ‘good therapy’ for me. We’ll see. Host runs around like a mad woman most of the time, so busy, might be difficult for me to get the time but I guess I have to push for it.
We have started boxing too and are going to fight soon. Not everyone is into it, but most people think it is pretty cool and happy to work hard for the chance to get in a ring. I just want to go to work with a black eye <grin>.
Thanks for listening.