I recall a story a previous therapist once told me. It was about a brother and a sister. The sister did not recall her sexual abuse history and although had complications with some emotional aspects of her life, was in part, mostly successful and incredibly well functioning. She was a psychologist herself. Her brother however, remembered all the abuse and he was non-functioning and had gone insane.
If you had of asked me ten years ago what my childhood was like I would have said ‘fine’. I may have told you that my father was an angry man, used to berate us at times and call us ‘worthless pieces of shit’ and I might also mention that he used to beat up my sister. But apart from that, things were okay. I was pretty mono-syllabic about the whole thing. The truth was, I didn’t really remember much. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I just seemed to hit a brick wall when it came to thinking about my past. I didn’t even really go there. I didn’t think it was necessary.
In my early 20s, I started to notice a niggling of depression. I didn’t really have a reason as to why I felt this way, I just felt empty and sad – when I paid attention that is. Most of the time I just kept myself busy and would always take the edge off by a drink or a drug. By about 23 years of age, my relationship with men started to get a bit weird. I ended a 2 year relationship in a very selfish way (another story, another time) and was promiscuous, working weekends in a nightclub and drinking and drugging till all hours of the morning on weekends and even some weeknights. I fell into a sensuous relationship with a beautiful Spanish man, the whole time thinking that I was not good enough to be with someone so gorgeous. He noticed that when I got vulnerable, I ran or would completely shut down. This was just the beginning of it. I couldn’t handle the intimacy; the feelings; the sense of falling in love – and so I sabotaged the relationship. I knew then that I was going to become one of those ‘crazy, psycho women’ with men, and so decided then and there that I was just going to date women. And I soon met a dynamic older woman, who was to turn my life around.