I recently finished a book Ritual Abuse: What It Is, Why It Happens, and How to Help by Margaret Smith. It was very insightful and I actually found myself for the first time, identifying strongly with what was written. It has taken me some time to be able to connect with material about ritual abuse, I think because I have had so much internal disbelief and denial. Still very much there.
Margaret Smith relayed a writing exercise she practiced, in which she detailed all the things that would happen to her if she remembered her abuse. So I thought that I would try the same thing and listening to my internal voices, here is what I wrote:
- My teeth will get smashed in and I won’t be able to talk
- My neck will be broken
- I will die
- No-one will believe me
- It will be scary
- I will cry
- I will have bad dreams
- I will be sad
- I will have to feel icky feelings
- I will need to sleep lots
- I will need to draw my memories and write about them
- I will need to speak them out loud.
I wrote this on Friday night and then Saturday I started feeling under the weather, by Sunday morning my throat was very sore and then yesterday I started losing my voice. Today I can hardly speak, I went to the doctor and found out I have laryngitis. Point is, I wonder if this is a psycho somatic reaction to what I wrote? I had had a week off work so it wasn’t like I was run down or anything, however things have been full on for some time now, so I know I had reached breaking point, incredibly exhausted and in and out of depression. Perhaps this is the last of my illness before i regain some strength (I hope). I just can’t help but think that this is related to what I wrote. I want to speak out, I am willing to speak out and remember, but to do so I fear comes at a real cost.