Lost my voice

I recently finished a book Ritual Abuse: What It Is, Why It Happens, and How to Help by Margaret Smith. It was very insightful and I actually found myself for the first time, identifying strongly with what was written. It has taken me some time to be able to connect with material about ritual abuse, I think because I have had so much internal disbelief and denial. Still very much there.

Margaret Smith relayed a writing exercise she practiced, in which she detailed all the things that would happen to her if she remembered her abuse. So I thought that I would try the same thing and listening to my internal voices, here is what I wrote:

  • My teeth will get smashed in and I won’t be able to talk
  • My neck will be broken
  • I will die
  • No-one will believe me
  • It will be scary
  • I will cry
  • I will have bad dreams
  • I will be sad
  • I will have to feel icky feelings
  • I will need to sleep lots
  • I will need to draw my memories and write about them
  • I will need to speak them out loud.

I wrote this on Friday night and then Saturday I started feeling under the weather, by Sunday morning my throat was very sore and then yesterday I started losing my voice. Today I can hardly speak, I went to the doctor and found out I have laryngitis. Point is, I wonder if this is a psycho somatic reaction to what I wrote? I had had a week off work so it wasn’t like I was run down or anything, however things have been full on for some time now, so I know I had reached breaking point, incredibly exhausted and in and out of depression. Perhaps this is the last of my illness before i regain some strength (I hope). I just can’t help but think that this is related to what I wrote. I want to speak out, I am willing to speak out and remember, but to do so I fear comes at a real cost.


2 thoughts on “Lost my voice

  1. You need to keep speaking up even when you feel like you are losing your voice. The devil will try to make you stay quiet and make you suffer in silence. Don’t allow it!
    You deserve to be free! Let it all out, and remember to do what makes you happy. ❤

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