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Reaching Out

I am caught in a very dark depressive trap. It continues to take me by surprise. One moment I feel like I have been let loose, other times I realise I never got out, I am still stuck, right back where I was. Only worse. Recently I received a hard blow. I met a narcissist and experienced (consciously) abuse in an insidious, evil way. The manipulation, the drama, the lies, the verbal abuse were all part of his sick ploy to destroy me. I could feel the energy being sucked out of me and i felt completely powerless. I began to see a different face in the mirror, my eyes sunken and my physique hollow, my flesh pasty and weak. He wanted and needed me to feed off. Yuk. Having been abused one would think I would get that evil people exist, rather than looking at the world through rose coloured glasses. And I guess I knew that, but it was more intellectual, dammit, I had dissociated from the rest, the living, breathing, talking me only knew evil theoretically. From the movies, books, I hadn’t met a real life nasty bastard. Not that I could remember anyway. And I wonder, did I have some unconscious sign up saying ‘hurt me, abuse me, manipulate me NOW’. I know it sounds very victim to cry out, ‘why me’, but I cannot work out what tell tale signs I was giving off to invite this Machiavellian character into my life. Agh! Don’t overcomplicate it girlfriend. It is what it is, it just hurts. Sorry for the abstract post, its been a while.

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