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Marriage and Dissociation

Seven sleeps to go and I will be married. It all seems so unreal to me. I never thought i would get married. In fact, I was anti-marriage (for me, not others). I thought it was patriarchal and the idea of being with the same person forever scared the hell out of me (me who was notorious for having affairs and who loved to be in relationships, but could never fully commit). And now, that same woman is getting hitched. Oh deary me! I am even wearing a white wedding dress. Granted M is twenty years older than me, he has been married before, has three adult kids and we are walking down the aisle together… So it isn’t truly conventional, but it is very surreal. I mean we are talking about a woman who was in a lesbian relationship for years, had trouble with intimacy unless it was of the “dirty kind”, didn’t believe in monogamy and wasnt afraid to say that she found women whose only dream of glory was their wedding day…. well, just terribly sad. Aagh. Yep I have definitely changed. I don’t feel like me, but then again I have never felt like me. I do like this side better- more grounded, two feet in, willing, open, prepared to commit, to be faithful and to be rigorously honest. I know this is Gods work. M accepts my dissociation and alters and doesn’t seem to bat an eyelid at any of the crazy stuff that comes out of my mouth at times. He doesn’t buy into my crap or let me beat him down as much as my (parts) have wanted to. I have had parts want to destroy him – show him who’s boss – and he has always continued to show love. I still find it weird. I am thankful. This whole thing wouldn’t be happening if I wasn’t sober so I thank God for that.

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