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Living Sober

Tonight I went to an AA meeting and it was a new meeting for me in a relatively new suburb and so I didn’t know anyone and they are all hardcore AA’s there and I just felt different, not terminally unique, just different. Since getting sober life has gotten so much better, but I also discovered I had DDNOS / DID and that I have dissociative parts and am dealing with memories of ritual abuse. So sometimes I get very depressed and suicidal and it is because I have been triggered or one of my parts wants to speak to me – not because I am not “doing my program”. I know that I have had a spiritual experience, this is absolutely due to having worked the twelve steps and having found God in my life. I just feel like God is the real redeemer for me and not AA as such. Don’t get me wrong, I needed to do the drill and take action, do the suggested things one day at a time and through doing this I was relieved of the desire to drink alcohol. I just feel like I am going to be judged for the way I work the program. Like I am wrong, I am going to get in trouble (pick up a drink) or …? I think I have just been triggered by the meetings. Not that it will stop me going back I just need to know that it is not meetings or humans that will keep me sober, it is God.  This week has been a good week. And I have written a blog post and that has been a long time coming.

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