Praying should give us a sense of relief right? The trouble is since my latest prayer ministry session I have had a terrible time praying to God and in fact, it has been more painful than not. I hear voices shouting inside me; ‘stop’, ‘it hurts’, ‘I am burning’ and so on. It turns me off as you can imagine and the want to push through this and pray to God lessens dramatically. It has been a bit better recently, though I have prayed more on the fly, not spending the five or so minutes that I was doing in the morning connecting with God and thinking about my day. Life certainly hasn’t gotten better for avoiding prayer and I know it is something that I need to do, must do. This is mostly because I don’t want to forget that God is the one who I believe will heal me, along with keeping me sober. I know I cannot do life anymore on my own, I have tried it for 32 years now and ended up depressed, suicidal and an alcoholic. Mmh… yep, I surrender. God can have me. Do with me what he will, I totally give up. As I write I know I am contradicting myself. If I totally gave up then I would be able to pray right? The challenge is that I identify now as a Christian, but I don’t think many of my parts do. I think they are still scared of God and don’t trust him at all. I feel like I have been like that all my life, one foot in, one foot out. It is very much unconscious and as much as I believe with all earnestness that I humbly wish to follow God (or love that person, or follow that career path), there is chunks of me that feel very disconnected from these decisions and thoughts. At least I am getting more awareness around this now. I think… lol.
I sometimes wish I knew what it was like to jump with both feet into the things that I do, but I honestly don’t know whether I am capable of doing that yet. Without recovering parts of me, is it possible? Does anyone else feel this way? Think this way? Act this way?