A quick update since my last post. I got baptized on Sunday (in a pool), an absolutely amazing day, full of warmth, joy and emotional intensity as I committed to Jesus and God once and for all. I have never been two feet in with anything in my life, so it was very strange to take the plunge (mind the pun) and essentially renounce my old life and welcome in the new. Who knows what it means, but I feel stronger knowing that my recovery journey will have Jesus and God guiding me and supporting me along the way. It’s funny, a little over a year ago I would have scoffed at the idea of being a Christian. The only reason I started to get to know God was because I walked into the rooms of AA – emotionally wrecked, riddled with low self esteem, suicidal ideation and incredible self loathing. The way to get sober was to find a power greater than myself and that led me, in a roundabout way to Church, which led me to getting to know God through Jesus and so on and so on. I will write more about this another time, however it was an important milestone in the past week. In addition to this, I met the prayer ministry ladies last week and discovered more of my child parts – Jack, Janey, Mitzi and Rita, plus ‘Little’ was there. More about this later too.
Onto DDNOS and therapy. I don’t know what this means to you, if anything, but for me it has been a pretty weird and exhilarating journey over the last 12 months with my therapist. I am lucky to have found this woman and definitely appreciate when my instincts nudge me in the right direction. It is quite special to start to feel as though you can be more vulnerable with someone, (it has taken me a year to get there), but that makes sense though. I mean, seriously, when you have small parts in you and you regress to a childlike state (irrespective of whether you are co-conscious or not), it is totally scary and means having to let my guard down. I am so not used to this and am amazed that I am finally starting to be able to do it. Who knows, maybe I will take it back again, though I do feel like things are starting to shift in this area. I am able to tolerate my feelings, just that bit more. I certainly don’t believe anymore that I will ‘die’ from feeling and I am not acting out in self sabotaging ways to squash the feelings. I still keep myself super busy so know that I have heaps more work to do there, to remain present and feel safe that is, but things are definitely improving. It is nice to celebrate and notice some good for a change, rather than the dark, horrid stuff.
So today, we did some body work – noticing breathing, areas of body that feel tense. And then out of the blue I am noticing tension around my mouth area. I can’t breathe. There is something around my mouth (I think a gag) and I am literally frozen in my spot. If I move, they are going to slit my throat. T says I should think about moving though. I can either observe and just notice what is going on, or I can take action and do something different to see what happens. I ask her to count to three to help me and then I move, I just shift my knees up closer to my chest. That helps a bit. Then a part of me wants to talk, I say ‘I am in a box’. This part can’t come out because it says it will get killed. T reminds me that this is a lie and that we are safe. She encourages me to talk to this part (which I do in my head, not aloud… I can still be self-conscious in this process – unbelievable). The part says they are watching from outside. Again, T reminds me this is a lie. She suggests I make some contact, maybe put out my hand. I actually feel some tenderness and compassion toward this part (so different from my usual response which is to feel disgusted and want to reject). I feel sad that this little person is in a box and want to help. I see myself put my hand out and just hold on. The session ends. I talk to this part on the drive home, just about meeting my best friend’s dog – Ziggy – a beautiful poodle cross. Everyone likes Ziggy as she is very pretty and heaps of fun and full of love. I tell this part that we are going to see Ziggy soon and perhaps she would like to meet her. I imagine poking a couple of holes in the box for her to look out and watch. I hope she did. I have lost that connection since.
Oh dear, this probably all sounds so strange. I wonder what will come up next?