Found some helpful info tonight as I had a friend call me up today suggesting I may have borderline personality disorder. Thing is, she is probably right, I certainly tick many of the boxes, however people with dissociative disorders are commonly diagnosed with other things (like BPD) and the traits are very similar. Check out this article for more info here.

Argh, sometimes these bloody labels are so confusing.

My friend was only concerned for me, as I have been very depressive for over a week now and keep flitting in and out of suicidal ideation, along with chronic feelings of emptiness and sadness. It seems I just get stuck in these states and it takes a lot of emotional pain before I snap out of it. Usually, it takes working my AA program harder to get the relief – going to regular meetings, connecting with people and helping newcomers – that’s when I get the shift and can start feeling more balanced again. The thing is though, I am in therapy and working actively on my dissociation, connecting with my parts and handling my feelings – so it is natural that I am going to go in and out of these depressive states. Isn’t that what healing / recovery is about? My challenge is that I have to learn how to tolerate these states without resorting to self sabotaging behaviours (for me that has been drinking and drugging in the past). I am nearly a year sober, god willing, and am now finally getting the strength and courage to face the parts of me I have drunk down for years and years. The only way I know to do it is work hard at my AA program, which keeps me sane, alongside my therapy. I hope I get better at handling this stuff, I am sure I will. I know that I have to attempt new strategies when I go into these dark spaces; I have to reach out and talk to people. I just sink deeper and deeper into my head and self and that is not a pleasant place to be. I guess I have to apply the same principles that I learn in AA when working with my dissociation and memories. Sometimes it feels just easier to hide, but the truth is, it is so much harder and it hurts so much more when I do that. Experience is teaching me this. Just like my drinking stopped working for me, so is my running away from my feelings and so is my shutting out everyone and everything that is there to help me get better. Slowly learning my lesson… slowly…


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