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DDNOS, BPD and AA

Found some helpful info tonight as I had a friend call me up today suggesting I may have borderline personality disorder. Thing is, she is probably right, I certainly tick many of the boxes, however people with dissociative disorders are commonly diagnosed with other things (like BPD) and the traits are very similar. Check out this article for more info here.

Argh, sometimes these bloody labels are so confusing.

My friend was only concerned for me, as I have been very depressive for over a week now and keep flitting in and out of suicidal ideation, along with chronic feelings of emptiness and sadness. It seems I just get stuck in these states and it takes a lot of emotional pain before I snap out of it. Usually, it takes working my AA program harder to get the relief – going to regular meetings, connecting with people and helping newcomers – that’s when I get the shift and can start feeling more balanced again. The thing is though, I am in therapy and working actively on my dissociation, connecting with my parts and handling my feelings – so it is natural that I am going to go in and out of these depressive states. Isn’t that what healing / recovery is about? My challenge is that I have to learn how to tolerate these states without resorting to self sabotaging behaviours (for me that has been drinking and drugging in the past). I am nearly a year sober, god willing, and am now finally getting the strength and courage to face the parts of me I have drunk down for years and years. The only way I know to do it is work hard at my AA program, which keeps me sane, alongside my therapy. I hope I get better at handling this stuff, I am sure I will. I know that I have to attempt new strategies when I go into these dark spaces; I have to reach out and talk to people. I just sink deeper and deeper into my head and self and that is not a pleasant place to be. I guess I have to apply the same principles that I learn in AA when working with my dissociation and memories. Sometimes it feels just easier to hide, but the truth is, it is so much harder and it hurts so much more when I do that. Experience is teaching me this. Just like my drinking stopped working for me, so is my running away from my feelings and so is my shutting out everyone and everything that is there to help me get better. Slowly learning my lesson… slowly…

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You are bigger than me – or are you?

One of the most common symptoms of sexual abuse for women is having a negative body image. I remember weight was an issue for girls at school, but I don’t think I really knew what an eating disorder was. I felt uncomfortable about my body, but because I was so disconnected from how I felt and lived so much in my head, I didn’t really talk about this with anybody. Weight only became an issue for me around the age of 19, and in retrospect I think this had to do with starting to become a woman. The more ‘womanly’ I was becoming, the more I think I was freaking out internally. It struck me the other day however, that perhaps this issue is also connected with my dissociation. Sometimes I just feel bigger than I actually am, I feel ‘fat’ or think I am ‘fat’, when in reality I am clearly not. For the record, I am 5’10 and weigh about 58kg, I train at the gym four times a week, am vegetarian and eat very healthily. It would make sense that when my child parts get stirred they would feel awkward in my body and I would be bigger than they imagined –  therefore making me feel like I have put on weight.

This whole thing could be just a twisted (or mild – depending on who I was comparing myself to), version of an eating disorder. Indeed, I used to starve myself from about 19 – 21 years of age, eating only one meal a day and getting down to 52kg at one stage. Thankfully, I now am conscious of my food intake, but I just work at eating well and exercising to control my weight. I imagine a large part of the starvation period was to do with negative control (feeling powerless otherwise and using food or lack thereof to reclaim a sense of lost power). I just wonder whether it is also connected to my child parts. It must feel weird for a dissociative part when they get light of day to be inside a big, adult human body. Does anyone else feel this way? Do you think your weight issues have to do with control or do you think it could be linked to dissociation too?

thin person inside

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Why SRA is so hard to believe

If you are reading this blog you have likely had some experience with SRA – satanic ritual abuse. Either you are counseling or ministering to someone or you have sadly been infected by this abuse. As someone who is heavily drawn to this material and has a deep suspicion of being involved with some heavy, sickening stuff in my childhood, I totally get the incredulous responses of those new to this type of abuse. Reconciling that as humans we are capable of such atrocities and do this in the name of satan, forces us to step outside our existing paradigm into a supernatural world, rooted in spiritual warfare. But this is the stuff of Hollywood right? Wrong. Why is it hard to believe that these horrors can happen when thousands of Jews and others were tortured and experimented on in concentration camps by  the Nazis? What about the Serbian wars, Charles Manson and the Austrian man (Josef Fritzl) who locked his daughter in a basement for years, raping her and treating her like an animal (and fathering seven of her children). These are just a few examples that happen in our world and yes, they too are somewhat unbelievable, but we know that they happened right? To entertain that satanists operate in our suburban neighbourhoods just seems so crazy, but imagine what the neighbours thought when they found out about Mr Fritzl’s double life.

I wonder too, whose name these people perform these atrocities under? Whilst some may say God, sadly it is the perversion of our loving God and rather the false god of lucifer that people corrupted act in servitude too. I too believe that these people are controlled by demons – but that is for another post.

The fact is that satanic ritual abuse does happen and innocent children are being hurt and forced to participate in rituals that completely mess up their life. The cult programming is so strong that the children dissociate, splitting off into parts of themselves that carry these horrible memories. The programming is deeply layered to stop the children talking, either as kids or when they grow up as adults. If the victim does talk out, the programming gets activated – anything and everything from alter parts that are designed to kill the person if they talk, to sabotaging efforts to heal and get well in therapeutic settings, to falling asleep every time they get close to talking about the abuse. The more we deny that this abuse exists, the more we deny those that are wanting to heal the chance to be heard, validated and supported through their recovery.

Why do you think SRA is so hard to believe?